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Branches

“When you have come to the end of everything you know, and you are about to step off into the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things: there will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”

I found this quote in a book when I was a teenager, and it has always stuck with me as a beautiful sentiment. It’s that perfect blend of fear and bravery, melancholy and hope. Not unlike me, most days 🙂 I was thinking about this quote the other day, as I am about to step off into a new “unknown”: I start a new job on Monday. This will be my third company in just over two years, and the one I’m leaving behind started so wonderfully, and quickly went downhill very fast (a blend of being very understaffed in my department, i.e. I was the only one doing any work, and a new CEO joining the company and basically fucking up the culture in a fashion that was truly impressive, to be honest).

Anyways, I digress. So I start this new job on Monday. I’m both nervous and excited. I’m nervous because it will be a little more responsibility. With each new company you move to (and/or promotion you take), there is more expectation of knowing your shit. Somedays, I think I do know my shit. Somedays, I just think “oh shit.” I’m hoping at this new company, I’ll experience the former more than the latter, at least in the very beginning!

So as I start this new phase in my career, I was pondering this quote and thinking about all the times I have stepped off into the unknown. The first time I really did it was probably when I moved to London. I had never even visited this city on the other side of the world, thousands of miles away from home, and yet I accepted a job there and moved, sight unseen. It was the best decision I ever made. But when I think “was there something solid to stand on, or was I taught how to fly?”, I’m pretty sure that neither of those things happened. I think, when I moved to London and every time since then that I’ve “stepped off into the unknown”, I have honestly just grabbed on to branches. Maybe not the most graceful technique, but it does keep you from plunging to your demise, so all in all not a bad strategy, no?

When I moved to London, the branch that I grabbed was a fantastic group of friends. I was so lucky to meet really fantastic women who were fun, funny, smart, driven, and hungry to see the world. We all came from different parts of it (I have a Brit, a Scot, a Kiwi, an American, a Frenchie, an Ozzie – all of these different countries represented in the women who make up my second family), and we all ended up in this massive city, not entirely sure what we were doing but determined to figure it out. This branch was solid, it held me for the three years I lived in London. Through boy troubles, work troubles, family issues, and just life issues – I had this fantastic support system. They were the reason I loved London as much as I did, and the reason that leaving it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

When I left London and moved to CA (another foreign part of the world, at least to me), I was stepping off into a new unknown. I guess the first branch I grabbed was my new job. I poured myself into it, and I rocked it. I was their new Golden Child – I came in and I really turned their marketing around, in the US. I liked it for a while. I felt creative, I felt capable, and I felt NEEDED. It had been a long time since I felt that way, professionally. But soon, company politics and culture started to become a weed that took over that lovely little garden. I became frustrated and unhappy, and even sexually harassed at one point! But luckily (for my sanity), I had already found my new branch: his name was Daniel.

I’m not going to go into too much here. There are many stories in the Daniel chapter of my life. But, I’m sure they will unfold in other posts – little sprinkles all over my first year in CA. He was my first love, my first serious boyfriend. When he left me it was sudden, completely unexpected, and a few days before my 32nd birthday. Yup, he was a real class act at the end there. This is why in future posts he will probably be referred to as his new name, “douchebag.” I may be in my 30s, but I still can be a little immature and petty, right?

Anyways, that branch snapped really quick and I flailed for a long time. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m still flailing. Things I was holding on to (this last job, my group of friends) have all been just “not enough.” So, as I thought back on this poem, and all the branches that have held me (and let me go), I’ve decided that the next branch I find needs to be within. I think this blog is a way of me trying to figure out where the hell that branch is. I’m just hoping I don’t get too scratched up on the way.

The three date rule

Here is what I have come to learn in my dating experiences (and, for sure, others have had more and definitely better, but I have had enough to learn a couple of things): do not make a rule about when it is “acceptable” to sleep with someone. I always feel like maybe I need to wait a few dates, to make sure the person actually likes me and there is a possibility of the future. But, after 5 or 15 dates, it is still entirely possible that the guy will ghost. Or you will learn he has a wife, or a child, or (worse?) a collection of koala figurines in his house that he dusts each day. This last example is not something I have yet encountered, but if I do, I will laugh because I had one when I was 8.

 

I recently said goodbye to a guy I had 3 dates with. And, on our third date as we were making out at my apartment, I decided I did not want to sleep with him because I wasn’t sure I would ever seen him again. Twenty minutes later, I got a condom and…..you know the rest of the story. There was  cuddling afterwards, there were texts exchanged for a few days while I was in Mexico. But, after that……crickets. Don’t know if he decided on that last date that it was over, or if time apart just kind of made him go “meh”. Either way, I was stuck in the world of my head for a week, wondering what I had said or what I had done on that last date to make him disappear. Did I drink too much? Did I make an offensive joke about Floridians (he was from Florida and, sorry, but they have caused too many electoral errors not to be made fun of)? Maybe it was the night of the deed – I don’t know!! But, I also know, stressing about it is not going to change the outcome.

 

People come into our lives. Some stick, some don’t. I am utterly in love with all of the people in my life who have stuck. And the funny thing is, this particular one (who has not stuck) wasn’t even that great. I wasn’t entirely into him. But something in my 30-everything being is telling me that I need to find someone.And it is annoying the FUCK out of me. I know it sounds trite “be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else”, but it is also true. I just wish I knew what in God’s name I am looking for that will make me happy.

 

So, that is all for now. I never promised this blog would be all sunshine and happiness. I am bitter and lost. But, my journey to find myself out of the weeds is often entertaining. So I hope you stay tuned (I’m sort of obligated to). 🙂

Adios, Mexico!

I’m leaving Mexico tomorrow. I am really struggling with the choice to actually get in my car and drive to the airport. This is for several reasons, some of which are here:

1. The weather is amazing. It’s hot, but not humid. Like a perfect summer’s day when all you want to do is sit by a pool or at the ocean and relax with a drink and a book.
2. Per the above, the ocean is right there (at least on the coast, where I am staying). And I have not seen beaches this beautiful since Australia. The sand is so soft, and the water is warm. Not pee-warm, but warm that you don’t feel like your hoo-ha is freezing up every time you go in the water (or the ding-dong, if you’re a guy. Also if you’re a six your old and you call your private parts hoo-ha’s and ding-dongs).
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3. People drive on the right side of the road. A minor detail, but if I were to permanently stay down here, it’s one less thing in the “must-learn” bucket. One less change to get used to.
4. The drinks are super cheap. A margarita is $6, a glass of wine is $4, and beer is about $3. Normally this probably isn’t a reason to live in a certain place, unless you like booze like I do 🙂 (also, see point number one – the weather calls for a drink!). And I have tried dozens of happy hours in Mountain View, Palo Alto, and most of Silicon Valley. You do not get prices like that, even at the best of happy hours, unless you are sleeping with the bartender. (I can’t say this from experience, because I have never slept with a bartender. Though there is one guy at the sports bar in Palo Alto who I wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers).
So those are just a few of the reasons I am loathe to get on the plane and head back to the US. (One I forgot to mention: fucking Trump was elected as president. I won’t even start on what that makes me think of our electoral system, because that is another blog post entirely. And this is my last night in Mexico – I have many cocktails to consume. So another time…..)
But I was driving back in my tour bus today from Chichen Itza (a MUST SEE – so amazing what ancient civilizations were able to do). And I thought about all the people in my life who have told me to travel the world and start a blog about my experiences. I think my parents would hunt me down and kill me for squandering my very expensive college education by fucking around the globe and just writing posts here and there, but I do like travel, and I do like to rant online (anyone who is friends with me on Facebook can attest to both of these things). So, I figure what I will do is document my travels here, on my blog. And also rant, about normal shit that happens in my life (and not so normal shit, because after all, I am Becky, and I often find myself in some interesting situations).
This should hopefully be the first of many posts. I hope I don’t offend anyone, but to be fair most of what comes out of my mouth probably shocks people, so this really won’t be any different. I have never used a filter, why start now?

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